Winner of the Population Institute's 2014 Best Book Award, The Female Assumption (CreateSpace, 2014) by . You also have a right to spend time with your friends. If they can't travel independently (and you live far away), you'll have to be up front about the limited amount of visiting you'll be able to do. Dont Stick Your Tongue in My Ear. So, what you do is, don't play her game at all. All of the links, but especially the one about "my mom is using me as her marriage therapist" rang so true. And we can only escape them when we hide behind a locked door. Good luck to you all! writing in a journal. "I'm sorry you feel this way. Educational Pathways - Issue #8. Toddlers run our lives. Yvonne Kuo, a family care navigator at USC's caregiver support center, has been helping an 81-year-old woman caring for her 100-year-old mom with vascular dementia in this situation. Im not talking about if she struggles to communicate but always has a roundabout way of asking for things. In fact, I may use that exact quote the next time I talk to her. For instance, say "Mom, I've explained to you how your actions are negatively impacting my life. Our conversations often consist heavily of me listening to her vent about her living situation or ex. "What, is Wednesday not working for you? You can see how it went :(, She puts a disclaimer on all conversations, saying she's having a hard time with her break up and that I should indulge her. Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm It might never occur to that child, even as an adult, not to include their parent in daily decisions. Say something like, Dad, I want to visit more often, but I can't get away as often as you would like.. You are training her, and consistency is really important. To give and get support from other people who get it, head to our#TraumaSurvivorscommunity page on The Mighty. Parents with Alzheimer's or other cognitive problems may need extra help and may come off as needy. https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/mom-wants-to-run-daughters-life-from-a-distance/. Let us know in the comments. Privacy If you don't, you might be neglecting your parents. Never say things like Mom, I just can't handle your neediness anymore!. Youre on your own when it comes to protecting yourself. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. However, if the child pushes back and creates his or her own identity apart from the parent, this may cause the parent to feel abandoned and increasingly needy which may lead to more dysfunctional and controlling behavior. I feel like I have no ability to set up boundaries. You get so used to allowing everything growing up, and when youre older its hard to understand boundaries and take the time to focus on your self-care. Josie S. I struggle to view myself with importance or value. Let's Connect +44 7748 297480; hello . Multiple texts go on all day long. Its exhausting and not fun. I'm caregiver to my elderly grandmother who does all the. She may even not even smile or look happy in response to the things you do. Hope it helps. behaviors listed in this article. If you don't the financial resources, you may not be able to visit your parents as much as you like tell them. If you don't visit your parents regularly, they'll begin to feel as if you don't care about them. Hi, I'm Juliette. If she makes a negative comment about your vegetarian diet, for example, avoid getting upset. house party melbourne / children's books about time, continuity, and change / children's books about time, continuity, and change You can turn the guilt trip back on her too. Finding what you really need and who you really are is a start to helping you to set boundaries because you would know where those boundaries need to be. Demonstrate that you care about their opinions. If necessary, write out these words and put them in front of you when you're talking, so you don't mess up the training with inconsistency. The thing about them manipulating you like this usually has nothing to do with an end game. Develop the tech skills you need for work and life. Emotionally needy parents may put stresses on you that can compound your existing responsibilities. That's ok, I'm sure I can wait until next Sunday. If she lived for another 10, 20 or 30 years etc and you had to live with what you are living now with her a lot older. By calling at say, Friday at 5pm, you'll establish a regular time during which you can call. Use conditions. When she's texting, calling, or whatever demanding answers, you don't respond. Constantly Being Worried People Are Mad at You, 9. A recent diagnosis of a potentially life-threatening disease may cause a parent to seem more emotionally needy. I have a summer internship in another state. Need info or resources? My mom has always been very needy for attention and advice, but it's been getting increasingly worse lately. If your parents are simply overbearing and refuse to honor your boundaries, then you may need to call them and explain that their actions have driven a wedge between you. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". Koerner, Susan S., Jacobs, Stephanie L. & Raymond, Megan. Menu ceramic cutting tools advantages and disadvantages. Stop reacting immediately to her concerns. She is not alone. You don't have to deal with the impacts of narcissism alone. Some of you may find that the only way you get some attention from your mom when she is not constantly thinking about herself and her needs, is when you are ill. For every single emotional manipulation or guilt trip, again, use the same phrase. You may find yourself struggling in so many ways. Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. This monotony is interrupted by a chance encounter with Tom (Jonathan Tucker), an . I will talk to you tomorrow(or in a couple days or whatever). Gave me a different approach to dealing with my mom.". Don't let your parents know every detail of your daily schedule. What my therapist told me was something like this: Stop answering all the time. By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy. Like your Mom, my Mom has never "been there" for me. I am a 39-year-old woman with a 2 and a half-year-old daughter. It's not about finding out why you don't want to play 'Words..', giving her that reassurance and having that be the end of it. After the amount of time you find agreeable, you say "thanks so much, love chatting with you, talk to you Sunday/Wednesday!" This probably means a lot to them. This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. She Constantly Seeks Reassurance 4. If your mother is heavily involved in your life, via your hobbies, friends, and interests, work on cultivating interests, friends, and hobbies apart from your mother. Feeling increasingly resentful. Its common to struggle with boundaries like saying no and expressing what you need in your relationships in adulthood. Feeling tired and run down. Ask your parent if there is any underlying problem they want to talk about. I'm the Mental Health Editor here at The Mighty. Nothing. A sign of a needy mother is one who wants their children to meet their needs whilst a supportive mother balances well between giving and taking. % of people told us that this article helped them. If you begin having problems sleeping, crying spells, etc. Especially if you struggle with not knowing how to deal with her, setting boundaries, or putting up with her difficult behavior. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Again, BE CONSISTENT in your responses. I don't know how to say no to her without upsetting her, but I really need my space. If I appear stressed she gets incredibly anxious and wants to solve the problem. They always had a solution. I will mirror the behavior someone is displaying, no matter how unhealthy or what my boundaries are because I dont want to upset others. Laura H. If you didnt get the emotional support from your parents you needed growing up, turning to other authority figures in your life for validation is common. But you are 10,000 miles away. This is how it went. For instance, say Mom, I love you, but I'm an independent person with my own life and responsibilities. If she is unwell physically and mentally, she may need your support and there is nothing wrong with her asking for it. Even if you feel like you havent got much control, you do. Silent Treatment The silent treatment is an adult tantrum. You are not alone. It never ends especially if you take the bait. A needy mother could be your mother who is maybe through no fault of her own in a difficult situation where she is dependent on you. You can bring the negativity to her attention, but it doesn't promise change. Whether it be for not returning a text immediately or thinking Ive said something that hurt [my friend]. That is very worrisome. With this emotional instability, she would be exhausting to be around because you may feel that you need to be so careful around her not to trigger her mood swings. Overreacting to minor nuisances. On the one hand, the depression-based lifestyle is fairly miserable but at the same time it is a way to obtain support and sympathy from others, an excuse for alcohol use, and an excuse for not participating in lifes responsibilities. wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. I thought it was me, all in my head. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Then actually keep the promise - no chatting til tomorrow. Comparing it to their feelings or actions. Also, she eats only the gooey inside of a wedge of Camembert and leaves the rind for others. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". Anxiety, depression, irritability. Let the conversation progress naturally. We wanted to know what habits people who grew up with emotionally needy parents have now as adults, sowe turned to our Mighty communityto share their experiences with us. She calls them her "therapy sessions". Mom if you do X I will do Y. 5 Tactics Your Narcissistic Mother Uses Against You 1. She has always had very low self-esteem and is a very sensitive person. If its constant and you are constantly hearing about her trauma, her difficulties, and how things are bad for her, it would be a drain on you as her adult child. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Read my previous blog on How to Start to Heal from your Emotionally Abusive Parents. You never know that this may help them to make their minds up! DS16mo is cutting SIX MOLARS at once. 1) They need to be around people all of the time. [No slurs] (https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. It's again, important to send the exact same words every time. It's emotionally exhausting. No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). I apologize for everything and sometimes even take it upon myself to make [everyone else] happy without regard to my own happiness. "There's no. Some strategies are: In addition to his Ask the Psychologist replies, Dr Carver has published several essays on the main Counselling Resource site, including: All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Do not let her make that decision for you. I think we need to both take a step back. Or maybe your parent really struggled with emotional dysregulation, and you often werent sure if you were going to be given a hug or yelled at. If your mother is struggling. Anxious, angry, excessively emotional, an unpredictable mother is overwhelmed by feelings so her parenting style is based purely on mood. Im here to walk with you on your Journey, Description of benefits of meditation include improving memory loss, addiction, delaying the aging process and reducing stress symptoms etc, A Simple way to learn to manage your feelings using the Feelings Chart for Adults An alternative to the Feeling Wheel, 40 different ways to help with dealing with difficult emotions most of these are easy to implement or free of charge. Youll need to emotionally distance yourself from her behavior and manipulations. Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist For instance, as you work out their care (for instance, dividing the work between family members, hiring a nurse or other outside help, or moving them to a nursing home). That doesnt make her toxic because in many cultures, this is normal where multi-generations would live in one house and mom would be taken care of. Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. The idea is to place your mother on your schedule and not keep your life on her schedule. As you recognize, setting boundaries and managing her behavior is recommended in these situations. It sounds silly, honestly, but that's the point..she takes every silly situation that doesn't matter as a sleight. Answer (1 of 17): I literally have lived this and still do. The parent and child become hyper-focused and dependent on one another. If she is someone. doing our hair, makeup, looking nice, etc. "Thankful for the practical and useful tools. Before these events, we would talk maybe once or twice a week and I'd have a mental health break, but now we're talking every day, often most of the day via FB chat. Instead of saying something like I don't have time for this now, mom say Hi mom, I'd love to chat right now but can't. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. For example, ask them advice about parenting, budgeting, or home improvement. Make sure you focus your attention on them and ask them questions about how they're doing when you visit them. Your mothers dislike of your partner can be passive-aggressive, subtle or she could be very overt in her behavior saying what she thinks without a filter. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs, Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads, https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/51j7zm/i_made_a_cheat_sheet_from_the_famous_options_you/, https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/3davsm/tip_setting_boundaries/. Give it to him. This is especially made worse if she doesnt have many boundaries in terms of contact and would telephone at difficult times, on the phone for hours, needing you to build her up. However, by reflecting on everyone's responsibilities, interacting with your parents, and communicating with them, you'll be better equipped to handle your emotionally needy parents. CounsellingResource.com is accredited by the Health on the Net Foundation. Don't allow them to try to negotiate with you. Exhausting people can be found everywhere: at work, among our friends and, of course, within the family. The following links are from the sidebar RBNBestof. Your mom may simply enjoy talking about many seemingly insignificant things with you. We can all identify a child who seems to need an inordinate amount of attention. Here she would find any reason to dislike them only because they have taken you away from her and she may even feel jealous. Your issues with your mother started before the pandemic and are obviously heightened by the current situation. This would help to give you the fuel to continue because the truth is could you continue feeling like this for the next five or ten years or more? Limiting contact needs to be a unilateral step you take it on your own without input from your parents. Since the pandemic, it has gotten worse. For instance, set a one hour block aside to talk to your parents every Sunday afternoon, and avoid calling when you're doing something else, like driving your kids to an activity. Wendy O'Neill, a clinical psychologist based in London who works with individuals and families with emotional difficulties, told Newsweek: "It sounds as if the mother-in-law is lonely and is. For instance, try not to wind down a conversation or end it prematurely. So now, Valentine's day is tomorrow. The Effects of a Codependent Parent on an Adult Child Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. She messaged me today before I could reach out on my own accord. This is especially true for kids who grew up in abusive homes where they were made to feel like everything was their fault. You will have to be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot tolerate. She's Willing to Follow You Everywhere 2. In this case she's manipulating you into comforting her ie centering the conversation around her. Individuals with close family bonds tend to be happier and healthier, both mentally and physically.This is also true for those who grew up in a healthy and happy family of origin, whether it is your adoptive or biological family.Though deep relationships in healthy families are important, some families fail to implement healthy boundaries which can create a dysfunctional family dynamic. As part of limiting contact, you may need to recommend that your parents seek psychological help or support from a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. She may literally act like a two-year-old having a tantrum. Think about your personal values and work with a trusted mental health professional to practice living in accordance with your values. Your Mom Dismisses Your Negative Feelings. Copyright 2022 Dawn Croydon-Fowler. Your mother cannot see beyond herself. If you feel like your parent has become more needy due to declining health and being unable to functionally take care of themselves, then you will need a different approach. If you can relate, its important to remember, regardless of what you learned growing up, that other peoples emotions are not your responsibility. Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own. . Even if it's been years since you felt like "you" try to remember what gave you life and do those things again. This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW. Your parents should know this fact. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Our material is not intended as a substitute for direct consultation with a qualified mental health professional. If you have a tendency to engage in destructive behaviors you observed from your parents growing up, youre not alone, but you also arent doomed to repeat their mistakes. Her need to keep you all to herself can wreak havoc on your relationships. I am sure that you were looking forward to your independence for so many reasons. Its not your job to constantly guess what other people may be feeling. I think her behavior has been exacerbated by going through a break up and by the fact that I moved 10,000 miles away to SE Asia. It is not insulting to suggest both boundaries and therapy to your mother. My needy parent would ask me how I was, and I could never tell the truth because they would bring it back to themselves. She's Always Trying to Take Control 6. Demonstrate a willingness to understand him. It is possible that she is triggered by "needy" people, regardless of your contribution, due to unmet needs in her childhood. Every time she complains, remind her of the next scheduled conversation. Please. I am always friendly towards her and respond to all her messages but I already have an extremely needy mother of my own and don't want another. For instance, ask them about their parents or their experiences as children. On her last day, I went into the hospital, with. It is clear here that her self-esteem is really low and she has got some issues. Never even tries to meet me half way. She could be your own mother or your mother-in-law by marriage and long-term relationship. Do you visit or contact your parents as much as your siblings or your peers? She can take you leaving a conversation personally but you can't do anything about that. Self-esteem is something only you can give yourself, and you deserve to give yourself that gift. Disclamer. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/51j7zm/i_made_a_cheat_sheet_from_the_famous_options_you/ https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/3davsm/tip_setting_boundaries/. And cut off every other interaction. Either way, her needs, and demands are a strain because she could be difficult to deal with. Relationships between mothers and daughters are often fraught with confusion about roles. If we think about it, your mother may have used this strategy for the past many decades. The only fix for a needy person is constant attention and praise from others. It is important to know that the only thing that can fill the void a needy person has is a change in . It's emotional manipulation because she can't self regulate her own emotional state. Seeking Validation From Authority Figures, emotionally fragile parent can leave a lasting mark. Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 87,061 times. For instance, if you seem annoyed or rushed when you talk with them on the phone, they may feel neglected. It is a shame that she makes you feel guilty by acting as if it is your responsibility to be her best friend. Every time she contacts you outside of those times, you have a standard message "can't talk, look forward to discussing this on Wednesday!" They absorb our positive energy to feed their inexhaustible hunger for negativity, leaving us exhausted, exhausted and unhappy. 1. 3. Here, to "indulge her" means doing what my Ndad did to me. First thing you need to realize is you can't change her. I remember asking her to do something, see somebody etc. how to make a sprite stop moving in code org / June 15, 2022 June 15, 2022 / June 15, 2022 June 15, 2022 And what do you know? I struggle to view myself with importance or value. This might mean trying out a new pottery class with your best friend, going rock climbing, or attending a new gym to spend time getting in shape. I am a college freshman who has been living at home for the past year during the pandemic. Setting boundaries and parameters is necessary for healthy relationships. Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. I am so sorry that you had to spend your first year of college at home. Do you have substantial work obligations? Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. Excessive maternal disclosure is associated with daughter distress in the adolescent population. Sounds like a narcissist to me -- or if you find it more palatable, someone with pronounced narcissist traits: very needy. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Healing is Possible! It got better when I went away to school and there was physical distance. You can't be her only support person. For instance, say something like "Anything new in your neighborhood?". 100%! I am running out of energy and patience I have a daughter of my own now and resent having to walk around her problems, needs, and guilt trips when she refuses to do anything to help herself. And to forgive yourself over and over again for doing everything wrong. If you work a lot, hold several different jobs, or travel frequently for work, you may not be able to dedicate as much time as they want. She'll stop on her own accord, because of the negative feeling she will get from the therapist suggestion. I think if you read about personality disorders you will see your Mom. Because of this, its important to talk about the impact. Common signs and symptoms of caregiver stress. They strip us of all freedoms, like seeing friends, sleeping, and having hobbies. Sometimes you can lose yourself when you are taking care of someone that is needy. But you're not alone, and. When she mentions her misery, volunteer to take her to her physician or arrange for professional consultation. I think it makes it hard for people to have clear boundaries and take care of themselves. This is where what she needs from you could leave you exhausted. I think it makes it hard for people to have clear boundaries and take care of themselves. Or she could be a needy mom because she chooses to only have you as her source of support. If she is blunt and uncaring about what she needs from you. Don't be too quick to assume they are just being annoying or demanding really listen to what they are saying. Drinking, smoking, or eating more. Just writing this is making me angry. I tried this for a year and just got more and more extintion bursts and narc rage. The reason, according to Feliciano: Boundaries nudge the parent to establish healthier coping mechanisms. She puts a disclaimer on all conversations, saying she's having a hard time . Family Relations, (49,3) 301-309. Needy Mother-in-law Family and other relationships Help my mother In law is ruining my marriage Family and other relationships Mother-in-law obessed with my son Family and other relationships I hate my Brother In Law !! needy mother is exhausting needy mother is exhausting. Originally published by Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD on June 19, 2008 and last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on June 19, 2008. https://askthepsych.com/atp/2008/06/19/needy-depressed-mother/. Click here! Low self-esteem Strong marriage allows two people to be the best versions of themselves and boosts their confidence. If you do decide to keep it to once a week all of a sudden there will be massive boundary tramplings and tantrums and accusations you don't love her because you set a boundary. Even putting myself out at times. Deyone H. I am constantly apologizing for small things. Family and other relationships My Son is ruining his life and i can't cope Family and other relationships She makes me feel responsible for her well-being. She stands in the doorway looking forlorn and asking what I'm doing. If your parents end a conversation with love you, you should reciprocate. or "you always have to go" or "you always do this.". Do you not enjoy our games? orlando to fort pierce train; dod personnel who suspect a coworker of possible espionage should; boyd funeral home marion, ohio obituaries; horner's syndrome in cats after ear cleaning; Do you not enjoy our games? The way this could be an issue is how it comes across more than anything. Just repeat that every time. Learning how to deal with your needy mother starts with you knowing how you feel about yourself and your mother. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. In fact, it might not only help your relationship but it might change the trajectory of your mom's life. Say you are busy/need to go/its not a good time, if she manipulates you, dont respond to it. You want to make sure their basic needs (including company and human contact) are being met and that they are getting the necessary medical care for their illness. Whatever the reason, your needy mother is exhausting and it is often difficult to understand and work out what to do about it. Children thrust into a parental role (also known as parentification), often struggle later in life with letting loose, because they constantly feel the weight of responsibility on their shoulders. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. His teachers are challenged by his needy behavior; his classmates, his friends and his siblings are tolerant, but only up to a point; and his parents are often at wits' end. Then recommend her some therapists in her area while acting as if you're concerned for her. First letter. Trouble concentrating. (2004). No words with Friends. In many ways, it doesnt matter what the reasons are for her behavior but a needy mother is exhausting and can wear you down. reading the Bible. They always needed that attention. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. I'm looking up free therapist in her area, hopefully I can find something. Some strategies are: Establish a schedule of contacts with your mother. It's also a form of punishment. taking a shower. 1. It appears you entered an invalid email. June 27, 2022; how to get infinite lingots in duolingo; chegg payment options; needy mother is exhausting . So, your children get the message that it's not okay to be independent and that they need to be your confidante or buddy. Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents. 21 Signs of a Needy Woman 1. It's easy to become so busy dealing with your elderly parent's day-to-day life that it becomes hard to tell where his or her life ends and yours begins. Or, if you live far away, agree to call weekly or send an email. Ensure She Feels Heard. Her popular posts on The Gray Gang remind you why motherhood is so beautiful, even in the most trying times. Her moods can switch to crying, depression, or even giving you the silent treatment. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/3\/30\/Die-with-Dignity-Step-5-Version-2.jpg\/v4-460px-Die-with-Dignity-Step-5-Version-2.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/3\/30\/Die-with-Dignity-Step-5-Version-2.jpg\/aid8391901-v4-728px-Die-with-Dignity-Step-5-Version-2.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"
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